NEUR0vanity

Got the Crest Whitestrips in, and I'm ready to rock.

1. I'm back in my treatment group. That was pretty emotional. I met with my counselor on Friday, and she made me realize just how drained I am from trying to keep up this Ms. Perfection act all the time. I'm so exhausted ("fucking tired," to use her words) - trying to say only the right things and what people want to hear. I'm so fake, so manipulative, so dishonest with myself (which makes me dishonest to everyone else). I don't even realize that I'm being manipulative most of the time; it's just habit to fall into that chameleon, con artist mode. When your job is basically to lie to people and make them feel a certain way about you - sometimes to the point of obsession - it's very difficult to snap out of that mode. I'm referring, of course, to my work as a stripper. Beyond that, being fake and people-pleasing is a survival skill I picked up after facing years of abuse and neglect. And right there is the reason I have such a hard time opening up and being honest; I don't want to feel those feelings. I don't want to deal with the trauma. I want to just bury it and pretend it's not there, pretend it didn't happen or be able to be emotionally disconnected from it. But behavior like that is what kept me drinking and using, and if I don't deal with it, it's only a matter of time before those hurts and resentments cause me to relapse.

So in coming back to the group on Saturday, I made this very slick apology to the group, stating the facts as they were and what was my intention moving forward. I didn't even realize it as I spoke, but I was incredibly unemotional in my delivery, almost as if I was reading a professional memorandum from the page. This upset my other counselors, who quickly started pushing and pushing me until I was in tears and bawling about how it's not fair. It's not fair. And I didn't want to say that because I was sure someone would say, "Well, honey, life isn't fair." That's part of my manipulating behavior right there - refusing to say something out of fear of the reaction, trying to control a situation by filtering my words and working a presentation of what I'm going to allow you to see.

I am a mess of contradictions - simultaneously extremely egotistical and self-loathing. I look in the mirror and oogle over my reflection (and sometimes I expect others to do the same), yet I can't stand myself so much that I refuse to allow people to see who I really am. One of my counselors said, "'I'm going to leave you before you leave me,' right?" That's right. I'm not going to be the one rejected; I've dealt with enough of that. You won't get to know me, I won't connect with you, and when all this is over, there won't be any pain. Stupid.

So I have a lot of work to do with regard to soul-baring. Yikes.

2. My husband (from whom I've been separated for nearly three years) and I are not going to file for divorce. We are going to attempt to work things out after I've spent enough time working my recovery program (I suggested the end of the fall semester; my sponsor strongly urged me to wait a year; I imagine I'll wait a year). After I've made the necessary changes in my life, behavior, and way of thinking, I'll move back down to Illinois, find my own apartment in "the armpit of Champaign," and we'll attend marriage counseling to see if we can make things work, if we're even compatible with each other anymore. I hope we are. There were so many good things about our marriage, and - as far as I can tell - we've either remedied or are making progress to correct our defects and shortcomings.

I'm really happy about this. I feel I'm doing what God has called me to do. I think the absence of overwhelming emotion - be it fear/apprehension or reckless anticipation - is a good sign. It means I'm comfortable. And I need to learn to enjoy comfort - the state of just being. I'm excited, absolutely, but now that we've made this decision and have a game plan, I'm setting my concerns and obsessive tendencies about this to the side so that I can continue focusing on today, my recovery, and my relationship with Jesus. By the way, sorry about all f-bombs in the last post; I have a tendency to use lots of profanity when my emotions run high.

An important note to add here is that I did end my relationship with D. He's out of the picture. I wish him all the best, but he doesn't have a place in my life.

Those are all the big things for now. I'm off to my BFF's place to lounge poolside. I'm so tan, people. I'm caramel. Tan, white teeth, and I've lost eight pounds. I feel pretty, oh so pretty. But that's enough narcissism.

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