I got kicked out of my fucking treatment group tonight.
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me
Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other
I, apparently, have not been trying hard enough. Though I've read the homework assignments I've been given, I haven't done the written responses. I continue to have a relationship with D. And there's the thing with the purging. I told my counselor that I had stopped purging. For the record, yes, I do want a fucking medal for that.
I can't believe that I'm being put on suspension because I'm having a romantic relationship with someone who's a Christian in CD recovery. Yeah, a year and a half ago when he was faithless and addicted to meth and heroin and committing felony assaults, he would have been a bad boyfriend, but now? Shit, do past offenses follow a person around for the rest of his/her life and still exist as significant factors in determining one's worth? If that's the case, then I'm fucked. I was an alcohol-addled stripper who prostituted herself for coke and picked friends based on how much money and/or drugs they had. I was a terrible person when I was active in my addiction. Hell, I left my husband because of money and alcohol. If past offenses stick with us forever, then Jesus' death on the cross wouldn't have forgiven us in God's eyes. Well, y'all can believe whatever you want, but I believe that Jesus died for my sins, and I'm washed clean, and though I'm still a sinner, God loves me unconditionally, and I'm good in His eyes, and don't tell me that I'm not good enough because I'm not doing things the way you think I should be.
Okay, that's some rage right there, but c'mon. I don't know what these people expect of me, and they won't tell me. I even asked, "What do you need from me?" and she said, "Oh, no. I'm not giving you the answer." You know, the question I posed is exactly what's expected of a person in the workforce; when you fuck up at work, you ask your boss that question, get the answer, and get your feet back on the right path. In treatment, apparently, you have to find the answers yourself. Well, let me remind you that I've been told over and over again that my best thinking got me where it did, and I'm not supposed to trust my thinking. So basically I'm an incompetent and hopeless dry addict, but I suddenly am expected to pull myself out of whatever funk I'm in (which I don't feel I'm in; in fact, I've been having a good week).
It's really hard to not go get drunk or high right now. I have to be honest and say that if it wasn't for random drug testing, I'd probably be pretty buzzed right now.
Now is the time to pray a lot. A LOT. Serenity prayer, prayers for patience, prayers for the answer.
My counselor wants me to call her by noon on Friday to let her know whether I want to stay or leave the group, and if I want to stay, I have to "advocate for myself" to the three people who run the group. I have to give them good enough reasons to let me stay. I've never had to do shit like this before. Before, if you didn't think I was good enough for your circle, I just said "fuck you" and went on my opposite way.
This sucks.
And my sober support network isn't answering their phones.
I'm going to go do something... bowl or shop or go to sleep. I bought pink sheets today; I'd go to my apartment and put them on my bed, but I kind of hate my roommates.
I'm angry. Very angry. Obviously.
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