When I got involved in recovery, I thought the goal was sobriety. I figured that as long as I wasn't drinking or using, I was doing all that was expected of me.
As it turns out, that's not the case.
There is so much more that comes along with working the program, so much that I either hadn't realized I would have to face or thought wouldn't affect me.
I've fought counselors about diet pills and energy drinks. I've angrily abstained from using over-the-counter medications for the cold I'm dealing with. I've understood from where my counselors were coming when they adamantly insisted that I not use those things and then made me sign a contract agreeing to it, but I was still pissed.
Now there's the relationship issue.
D and I have developed feelings for one another. Yesterday, we got together before my meeting with my sponsor and discussed things. He said he thought it was so important that we remain friends and nothing more. Then things escalated to physical intimacy. No, we did not have sex, but it was close. We talked about how there was a war between head and heart - that we knew we shouldn't be together this early in my recovery, but we both want it so badly.
Then I met with my sponsor who strongly suggested that I end the relationship. She said that when two people are attracted to each other, that's not a platonic relationship, and I can't have that so early in my recovery. A year. As I knew deep down I would be told, I have to wait a year to have a relationship.
D knows this is the right thing. He has sponsees that he tells the same thing. And now I feel badly for him because my presence has made him forsake his values. I mean, I know I'm awesome and attractive, but when one's desire for me causes one to make decisions that violate one's values, then it's important that I take myself out of the equation until it's no longer an issue.
It reminds me of student-teacher relationships and the way I felt that a teacher getting involved with a student was wrong, but when a teacher had feelings for me, it was okay because I was just so wonderful and bright. Values are values period, and we all know the one-year rule.
D and I will still go to church and then the conference on Sunday, but after that, it's going to be phone contact.
I don't want to do this, and I'm upset about it. I'm afraid that I'm building resentments towards my counselors, roommates, sponsor, the AA program, and even God. Yes, there is some anger towards God - why would He put this amazing man in my life, this attractive man who desires me, only to have me be denied? I asked D this, and he said that maybe God's plan is something else... maybe He's trying to teach us to resist temptation. No one knows God's plan but God Himself. D and I are both comforted, though, by the knowledge that if God does want us to be together, we'll end up together a year or whatever from now.
The most important thing now is for me to discover who I am as a woman and come into my own - to be the best person I can be, the best version of myself, the person that God has intended. And when I finally become who I really am, then God will give me the person He's made for me.
Patience. Patience is the key. I fucking hate patience. I'm an addict; I like instant gratification. I like getting what I want when I want it.
Patience. There's something to pray on.
As I said in the beginning, I thought the goal of recovery was simple sobriety. It's not. Sanity. Sanity is what we seek. And that kind of a lofty goal puts things into perspective. A relationship gone bad might not drive me to relapse, but any relationship is going to consume my attention and fiddle with my sanity, especially at this stage in recovery.
I have to remember that I'm not giving up my relationship with D in order to just stay sober; I'm doing it to stay sane.
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