I've come to believe that God speaks through people. It's a common belief of those with faith, as I gather from conversation with other Christians. Where I'm struggling is figuring out who's actually talking when others are running their mouths. Is this a message I need to heed? Or is the Devil planting seeds of doubt with the ultimate goal of leading me back to him?
Everything in my life has been going well. Work has been great. People have been so accepting and supportive of my having been through treatment and now being in recovery. Nothing has been going wrong.
About a week ago, the strength of God's presence was missing from my life. I felt that it was because someone out there needed God's help more at that moment than I did. After all, I had no complaints about my new sober life. But the feeling of the Holy Spirit hasn't returned, and I asked about it last night at Celebrate Recovery. The group facilitator said that God is testing my faith, and it's time for me to walk alone... at least for now.
Two weeks ago, I wrote a letter to God asking for his help and strength with a relationship I was in at the time. Freddy and I had been together for nearly a year. I use the term "together" loosely because our relationship was purely sexual, and while we knew each other, I was out having sex with other people. After that, we had about a four-month hiatus. I asked God for the knowledge of what he would have me do with this relationship - try to restructure it into a healthy relationship that will benefit my recovery, or end things and continue my growth on a separate path. I later felt confident that I no longer wanted to be in that relationship, and then God put D into my life - a believer in Christ and recovering addict.
Now, I am not saying that D and I have any kind of relationship beyond our current one - one that is new and platonic. I'm not pursuing a romantic relationship with him. I've fantasized about having sex with him, but I haven't thought about it, the distinction being that I'm not making a decision or choice in the matter since sex doesn't figure into the guidelines and parameters of our situation.
The important thing here is that God put a person into my life with whom I feel very comfortable and can discuss my recovery.
I mentioned in the last post that a lot of people were hating on D before we got together on Saturday night. That, I chose to believe, was God reminding me to be careful, go slow, avoid expectations, and keep my sanity and recovery first. In heeding that caution, I had a great time and made an awesome friend.
I haven't hesitated to let people know that I've made a new friend. I'm trying to let others know that I'm expanding my sober network. And, yes, I am bragging a little. Hey, I'm a hot, sober chick who met a hot, sober guy.
And that right there - I'm a hot, sober chick who met a hot, sober guy - is where we may be having a problem.
In the last blog post, I expressed my confusion about deciphering if jealousy was a motivating factor in my friends' speech. Since meeting D, I have put their minds at ease. I've told them about how our night went and what was said about God, Recovery, and Life, and they've all been happy for me and supportive. They can see that this isn't a quick-fix relationship, and neither D nor I have ulterior motives.
Last night at Sober Housing check-in, I let the group know about D. Then I left and went to my Celebrate Recovery meeting with my best friend L. I experienced a craving for crack/cocaine (which I'll discuss more later) and decided it was best to spend the rest of the evening with L and her mom, let my sponsor know, and then go straight to bed.
I was up at 6:15 this morning so L could take me back to my car, and H woke up to let me know about some follow-up to the check-in meeting last night. Our group facilitator is out of town, so one of the ladies living at Sober Housing was leading the meeting. After the meeting, she told H that she was concerned about me getting involved with D. The concerns expressed were the same that have been presented to women known for their promiscuity and sex addictions. H was worried that the Sober Housing owner/leader would have me sign a contract saying that if I wanted to continue to live in Sober Housing, I would have to agree to not see D.
That's just fucked up.
I told H that I must have explained the situation incorrectly at check-in because my other friends felt the same concern initially, but now they're at ease. I also told her, in regard to the speculation about the contract, that I'm bisexual and could just as easily be attracted to her as to a man, and I think the only reason this is being made into an issue is because D is a guy. Like I keep saying, we're friends, and any inclination to have a romantic relationship in the future will be acted upon slowly (and after deliberation).
Now here's my moment to be defensive because I have a right to my anger.
Just because some other women in early recovery are hos, don't assume that I am. Yes, I had a lot of casual sex when I was active in my addiction - that's often a common part of addiction for single women. As a sober individual, I don't feel compelled to have sex. As I told L's mom last night, I don't even really enjoy sex, and it's not something that's important to me. To reiterate, I fantasized about being intimate with D, but I haven't thought about having sex with him; I haven't pondered the risks and rewards because being sexual is not something I'm considering. In my case, sexual activity is not something that fits in with my recovery at this point.
Now, I gossip, sure. It's difficult to not talk about other people. And I'm not going to say that I have a problem with people speculating about my situation amongst themselves. Would I prefer that they not? Absolutely. But what other people are going to say is not in my control. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. What bothered me is that this gal who was leading the group - who is not a counselor and has but six months in recovery - felt that she was in a position to relay a message through my roommate about her concerns with an underlying directive to sever ties with my friend. Firstly, that's not her job. Secondly, if she wants to make that her job, she has my number on her phone list and could have called me (or asked for my phone number at the office and then called me). In fact, I would have liked it if she had done that because, as I mentioned above, I was triggered last night to use cocaine, meth, or crack, and it would have been nice to talk about it with her to find out how she's worked through cravings. Instead, she got my roommate involved, and we're playing message-passing like a bunch of immature, junior-high-minded losers.
And I don't even know what the situation really was or what this gal actually wanted to say to me because I was hearing it all second-hand. I don't know if the conversation even took place.
Is this a case where God is speaking to me through others? I don't think so. I don't think God would put an attractive, Christian, addict-in-recovery into my life only to have the message be "Don't Touch This." While I was in treatment, I had to say these stupid affirmations every day that I am beautiful, talented, and intelligent. Well, now I'm at a point where I'm starting to believe them, and as a beautiful, talented, and intelligent woman, people are going to be attracted to me, and some people are going to be jealous.
Yes, I am saying that people may be jealous of me, and I'm saying this without self-absorbed narcissism.
When I met D, I was told to ask him what kind of program he was working if he was trying to hook up with me.
Let me ask one back.
What kind of program are you working if you're inviting yourself to get involved in my recovery?
I know I have a hard time hearing things I don't want to, but I think I've done a commendable job of listening to my counselors, psychologist, and sponsors when they told me what I didn't want to hear, and I've thought about their words and taken appropriate action. This isn't an issue of that. The issue is that other people who should be working their own recovery are getting themselves involved in mine without me having asked for their assistance and without them being in a position to counsel me.
Now, I'm not a saint by any means; I'm a habitual sinner. I do this, too. I get myself involved with others when they haven't necessarily asked me. But I have an established relationship with someone before I start telling them what to do, what to think, or whom to see. I think it's one thing when I tell a stranger at an AA meeting, "Don't feel bad that you haven't felt God's presence yet because it comes to each one of us individually and when the time is right" in response to a concern they've spoken about struggling with the second and third steps, but it's another thing if I were to tell someone I barely know to not see their friend whom I've never met because I think it might be a bad situation.
Maybe this is God teaching me a lesson. Often, I've felt the urge to tell my BFF L that I think it's a bad idea for her to continue hanging out with her using/drinking friends. Now I know how that feels to be on the receiving end, and I'm not going to tell her who I think she should or shouldn't see. After all, what right do I have?
Driving on the way to come write this, I thanked God for the conversation I had with H this morning. I thanked Him for presenting me with a challenge and giving me an opportunity to walk through the fire and test my faith not only in Him but in myself, to have this chance to learn how to think about my options, make my own choices, and then stand my ground and be at peace with my decision.
Perhaps this is also a learning opportunity to understand how the words I say can affect others. At this early stage of recovery, we're so open to the words of "wisdom" we can soak up from everyone around us. We obviously didn't have the answers - that's how we got into this situation in the first place - so we assume that we can't trust ourselves and that others know what is right.
When I was in my addict mind, I did make bad decisions. In my recovered life, I will continue to make mistakes and bad decisions. The difference is that I will learn from them. That's why it's important that I be allowed to make my mistakes and bad decisions. I deserve the right to pursue my friendship with D, and if things go badly, then I should have the right to experience the consequences and learn from them. We don't learn by hearing; we learn by doing, by experiencing firsthand the reaction to our actions.
So I thank God for this learning opportunity, and I pray that when I speak, it's God that has the microphone and not Satan.
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