NEUR0vanity

Born in Spencer, Iowa, on November 9, 1984, I am the first of two children, my brother Brian being two years younger. My mom's background is in fashion merchandising, and my dad has a history of musical theater performance and electronics sales.

With a workaholic mother and alcoholic father, I quickly became independent and accustomed to solitude. I learned that acting out was a sure-fire way to get attention. Additionally, I was an outcast in school, and my ostracism was increased after I was sexually assaulted in second grade. This would be the first of four sexual assaults and the first of countless experiences of sexual exploitation. Because of this tumultuous time of my life - my assault, my dad's alcoholism, my mom's absence, and the cruelty of my classmates - I blocked out a lot of it, and I don't remember much of my childhood.

My adolescent and teenage years were marked by sexual exploitation, trend-seeking, acting out, and chemical substance experimentation. I started off strong with participation in Talented & Gifted and accelerated classes, extracurricular activities including mock trial which earned me the award for outstanding attorney at the Iowa state finals, and honor roll for my straight As. For a while, I dressed as my heroine Buffy the Vampire Slayer, then went classic schoolgirl, then Barbie pink, Punky Brewster punk, and finally goth. I had moved from Iowa to Manitowoc, Wisconsin, at the end of eighth grade, and when I moved to Lakeville, Minnesota, in the summer before my junior year, I began experimenting with alcohol and marijuana. I fell into a deep depression, started cutting, and was filled with suicidal thoughts. After trying unsuccessfully to find the right anti-depressant, I was checked into Fairview-Riverside's crisis unit to keep me from killing myself. I spent the rest of the year playing clarinet in the marching band and musical theater orchestra and acting in competition drama.

I went to Normandale college in my senior year of high school as a reward for having high grades, and it was paid for by the state. I graduated after the first semester and moved to Champaign, Illinois, to move in with my boyfriend/fiancé, whom I met online.

I lost a significant amount of weight when I was with my husband. When I had dropped down to 100 pounds, I was abusing diet pills, diuretics, over-the-counter cold medications (the kind with pseudoephedrine), and over-the-counter pain killers, prescription anti-depressants, and alcohol. After coming into financial hardship, I became an exotic dancer. I began to gain weight because of my alcohol addiction, and when I was fired seven months later for underage drinking, I left my husband and moved back in with my parents in Minnesota.

The last two-and-a-half years of my life were spent in a haze of chemical abuse and destructive behaviors. I attempted suicide twice, once by cutting and once by aspirin-and-alcohol combination. I became anorexic and bulimic so that I could lose enough weight to become a stripper again, allowing me to leave my unsatisfying and stressful corporate job. Once I was working at a gentlemen's club again, I drank constantly, tried ecstasy several times, smoked marijuana regularly, and developed an addiction to cocaine and crack. I slept with people for drug money, and prior to that, it wasn't uncommon for me to get so drunk that I would either forget that I'd had sex with a random stranger or wake up with someone I wished I hadn't slept with. That so many men took advantage of me in my obviously intoxicated state has increased my distrust of people.

On November 2, 2007, I met my neighbors in my apartment building for the first time, and we spent the night drinking tequila, smoking marijuana and crack, and snorting cocaine. I was forced into having sex with one of the men, and another one raped me. I filed a report with the police, and the officer implied that I shared the responsibility for the rape because I had been drinking with strangers. After that, I stopped drinking and using drugs. A few days later, my boss told me that I had to lose weight in order to keep my job (I had gained 25 pounds from alcohol abuse). Three weeks later, I relapse with my drinking, and on my way to get cocaine, I was pulled over and arrested for my second DWI.

Because of my second DWI charge, I ended up in inpatient chemical dependency treatment for three weeks. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. Not only did I maintain sobriety, I also learned to love myself the way I am, started coming to terms with and discussing the trauma in my life, found God and became a believer in Jesus Christ, and reconnected with my wonderful family.

Since April 3, 2007, I have maintained sobriety, found a sponsor, and built a network of sober friends. I live in a sober apartment community and work in health foods. While I still struggle with body issues and the shame of my past, I am finding that I like being me (the real me and not the person I thought I was when I was active in my addiction), and I look forward to finding out more about who I really am.

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